Unwanted anger

My wife tells me tonight I’ve been quite the asshole today. Angry, moody and just a prick. I don’t know why, but I know I have been. I am very angry today. I’ve yelled at the dashboard while I follow idiot drivers. My filter for vulgarity is non-existent. Frankly I really don’t give a shit. 

I tried to put it past me until I threw in a couple frozen pizzas and when the instructions said 16-18 minutes, I pulled them out at 14…burnt. She made me feel like shit for burning the pizzas. I immediately felt so guilty and regressed into a frozen state where I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move and just wanted to disappear. 

As I write this, I e only eaten one piece because I felt guilty for not “eating with the family” but now that everyone has cleaned their plates and left, I remain sitting here in this chair alone. Cold pizza on my plate and the sounds of chaotic children in the background of my home. 

I hadn’t even realized it but tears began to fall from my eyes and I sit here. Julia asks what’s wrong and why I’m crying but there’s a part of me that feels she wouldn’t understand. Hell, a lot of the time I don’t understand. 

I don’t wanna be here. I want to disappear. My heart aches and it’s hard to breathe. I’m feeling a significant amount of emotional pain and it sucks. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I no longer have control. 

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