Catch 22

Studying narcissism has really captured my attention. The plethora of books, YouTube videos and American Psychological Association publications that are out there is so vast it would take a lifetime to read everything. I’m ok with that, the problem I have is as much as I want to become an expert on the subject, for everything I read about narcissists, especially female narcissists, it triggers me and I end up having flashbacks. Fuck!  

How am I able to educate myself, help others in this terrible situation, and learn how to combat Sara if every time I try to learn something, I slip into my past hell?!  

It’s a catch 22. Haha….wanna know something funny?  I wrote “Surviving Sara: Marrying a Narcissistic Sociopath“, and I have yet to actually read it myself. I can’t. I’ve read the preface about a hundred times, but when I turn the page that reads “The Beginning“, that’s where I close the book. Shit, even that triggers me because I know what happens next. 

As much as I honestly try so hard NOT to hate Sara, I hate her for what she’s done to me; what she’s turned me into. A mental case. And to think I once was a noble, good, caring person (not that I’m not anymore) but now I’m skiddish, slightly paranoid, untrusting, have mood swings, defensive and cannot handle any arguments (so why did I pursue a career path in the legal field?!!) to help others. 

I hate who I am now. But I hate who I was when I was with her far more. That lost little puppy didn’t deserve the beatings he got, and it turned him into who I am today. Good bad or otherwise. 

6 thoughts on “Catch 22

  1. Long comment inc. Sorry 🙂 but this is so interesting.
    It’s tough. I know about the hate. Some days the hate is so strong that I want to punch my ex narcissist in the face (I never would though, cause I am not a violent person). But then I will have good days aswell. I believe this is a wound that will take lots and lots of time to heal. More so than any other wound perhaps. But all we can do is try our best. You have done great in lots of ways, you survived, wrote a book, is working, and even got remarried. You have come a long way. Hang in there and keep healing in all the ways you can, little by little.

    I also read somewhere, I think it was in a support forum, that at some point we do not really need more “education” on the subject of narcissism/sociopathy. At some point, when we are beginning to truly heal, we rather want to let go more and more of reading/writing about narcissism. This could happen ” organically” or with our own active choices. Simply because we are more healed and want to focus on other things. This may take many years, I dont know. But I feel I have gone a bit in this direction. 6 months ago my blog was all about narcissism. Today, narcissism is only half of my blog, or less… Good luck and take care. 🙂 💜

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    1. I’ve been gone from Sara for 5 years. Remarried and am forced to participate in low contact because we had children. Otherwise I have no contact. Five years away from Sara and I still am in this state of mind.

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