Studying narcissism has really captured my attention. The plethora of books, YouTube videos and American Psychological Association publications that are out there is so vast it would take a lifetime to read everything. I’m ok with that, the problem I have is as much as I want to become an expert on the subject, for everything I read about narcissists, especially female narcissists, it triggers me and I end up having flashbacks. Fuck!
How am I able to educate myself, help others in this terrible situation, and learn how to combat Sara if every time I try to learn something, I slip into my past hell?!
It’s a catch 22. Haha….wanna know something funny? I wrote “Surviving Sara: Marrying a Narcissistic Sociopath“, and I have yet to actually read it myself. I can’t. I’ve read the preface about a hundred times, but when I turn the page that reads “The Beginning“, that’s where I close the book. Shit, even that triggers me because I know what happens next.
As much as I honestly try so hard NOT to hate Sara, I hate her for what she’s done to me; what she’s turned me into. A mental case. And to think I once was a noble, good, caring person (not that I’m not anymore) but now I’m skiddish, slightly paranoid, untrusting, have mood swings, defensive and cannot handle any arguments (so why did I pursue a career path in the legal field?!!) to help others.
I hate who I am now. But I hate who I was when I was with her far more. That lost little puppy didn’t deserve the beatings he got, and it turned him into who I am today. Good bad or otherwise.